Currently going through month 2 of a drug treatment that shuts down my ovaries and puts me into a chemically induced pre/menopause state.

I'm... not sure the side effects are worth going through an entire 6 months.

Hot flashes, dull headaches, random cramping and back pain - those aren't too bad. But the mood swings are ridiculous.  Right now, just one swing, straight into slight depression and giving utterly zero fucks. At a café today, one of our dishes was just terrible and I had to fight the urge to push it straight off the table and onto the floor.  Or to not pick up the plate and watch it all fall off into the aisle. 

And of course, with politics and the election and people being utter wankers about the trans bathroom issue and the tragedy in Orlando, and gun control and rape and women's issues, everything on Facebook is making me rage.

I've finally deleted the app off my phone for now, hopefully it sticks this time.  Must break the addiction.  Why can't I somehow give zero fucks about needing to see what's going on? To check up on things that I know will make me angry(er)?  Ugh.

may

i tried to write about the funeral we attended in april, but i just can't. it was gorgeous and lovely and sad and exhausting.

regarding my mini-resolutions, everything was waylaid, of course, but they're still in the back of my mind.

• drink less - check! at least, i don't feel like it's really an issue. i'm not sure why i felt like it was an issue. i think i was just using it as a way to say, "self, lay on the couch and watch television, because you just had a drink and you deserve this."  but now that i'm trying to do things - whatever. i don't drink every night, i don't drink into a stupor, i don't feel any need to hide my drinking. this resolution can suck it.
• get better sleep - check-ish! i've been going to bed earlier, but the drug i'm on that shuts down my ovaries apparently can cause sleep issues. i went to bed at 10 last night and woke up at 5 am. going to try and get into a good schedule, maybe slow it on the coffee. because my left eye that started twitching in vegas? it's still going. by next week, it will have been twitching for a month. 
• read more - whoops! but i did read a few more sandman comics. getting through them, slowly. my goodreads goal is not looking good this year...
• facebook (and tv) less - epic fail. i became a part of this film photography group, and i'm checking FB like 20 bajillion times a day. it's a problem. may need to remove it from my phone again.
• take film photos (at least 1 roll/month) - EPIC WIN. just sent off 5 rolls from april/may. goodbye, money. note to self: consider developing b/w film on your own again.
• eat better food - did good at the beginning of april, then fell off the wagon. readying ourselves for jumping back on. 
• move more - i did yoga last night! 15 mins of a beginner class and it was hard in parts. i feel very pathetic, but it's a practice. i just have to practice at it. going to schedule another class for tonight.

4/2016

man, i'm down to 2 posts a year!

things that have not happened:

• any serious follow up to using film
• journaling

things that have happened:

• i no longer actively hate my job with every fiber of my being
• yoga (i.e. i did yoga twice in 3 days!)
• time continues to rush by far too swiftly

i've also decided (this morning) to stick to a plan.  like resolutions, i guess.

• drink less
• get better sleep
• read more
• facebook (and tv) less
• take film photos (at least 1 roll/month)
• eat better food
• move more

at some point in the last year (years?) i stopped doing yoga.  i felt that perhaps i was pushing my body too hard, and since we were trying to get pregnant, maybe i should let my body relax a bit more.  i mean, i'm moving towards 40, which is so freaking WEIRD, and maybe i wasn't supposed to be working my body quite so hard.

welp, turns out there's a high probability i can't even have kids biologically because of endometriosis and fallopian tubes that resemble rock giants. granted, i did have a laparoscopy which required doing nothing for 2 weeks, so that set me back physically for a while.  and then i was dealing with being bummed about having defective reproductive bits (YOU HAD ONE JOB).  so i'm only now feeling ready to get back on the exercise and moving-like-a-real-human bandwagon.

i'm ready to stop holding down the couch, to actually DO things and to stop feeling as though i'm just waiting to have kids. to travel again now that ant's done with school.  this year, vegas and st louis (so far).  next year, japan, for realz.

holy fucking balls

i started going back through some of my last few posts and fuck if all i do is complain over the last few years.

i'm not actually this morose, as i just tend to need journaling time when i'm feeling an overall 'blah'.

but perhaps i'll hop back on here more often and talk about things that have captured my attention, or that i'm excited about.

getting older cannot only be about growing cynical and having less interest in life.

deep sea diving

i've been feeling deep underwater lately.

i feel like i'm crumpling under the weight of my utterly normal life.

which feels even more pathetic.


so i took a week vacation to sort myself out. a bit of meditation, a bit of yoga, a bit of attempting to create things again (i.e. drawing shitty patterns on expensive paper with archival pens, sorted through my calligraphy nibs, cleaned up my craft room). a bit of day drinking and the eating of chocolate cake. (even though i'm totally putting on weight but right now, mental health is more important than physical health. PLUS - i'm doing yoga. ish.) a total break from facebook and i've shut off most notifications on my phone. today i'm attempting a caramelized pork ramen with curried acorn squash and the house smells heavenly.

can i also say - film is hard.

READY OR NOT

about to do a reboot of my photography - going back to film and starting to remember what i loved most about taking photos in general.  keeping in the forefront of my mind that i want to play and take photos and not worry as much about what other photographers are doing or what they're shooting or how they're shooting.  i'm kind of excited.

 

also want to understand light better, and be able to meter manually (though for now, i did buy an external light meter).

 

let's do this.

i attempted to write a post on a theme, but failed.  a theme on saying 'no', on me learning how to let go of feeling like i'm disappointing someone.

but then it got rambly and i got introspective and now i just want to nap on a cold beach in a quilt.  cold sand.  i want to sink my toes into some cold sand.

2014 started out wonderfully, but then punched me in the gut a few times.  i feel that things are just now finding middle ground, equalizing to room temperature.

all the times i had to disappoint, and say no, has started me (again) on the path to figuring out what's important to me.

life's just always about finding balance, isn't it?

too much beer, not enough water.

work as a means to an end.  

and trying to find room temperature with my photography.  it's awful, but it's definitely becoming more of a 'job'.  i don't think i'm following myself, and i'm starting to feel it.

i'm just not excited by it anymore.  must. recharge. creative. batteries.

oy - i'll end here.  this past weekend wore me out, physically and mentally.  here's to more yoga, clean laundry, staying hydrated, good wine, more juicing, meal planning, and, maybe, knitting a cardigan.