word of the 2013 holiday season: tired

yep.  the word is 'tired'. 

just getting over a cold or bacterial infection of some sort and i'm still feeling utterly exhausted by everything.

also, i'm really insanely grumpy.  just a few days before xmas and i want to just... stab something.  paint the town black.

i'm tired of doing everything, of being in charge and i'm ready for some big changes in 2014.  i'll be 35.  fuck this shit.  

i'm going to get a handle on my health, whether that means joining a gym or doing yoga or pilates.  probably the latter. 

i'm going to spend more on me, like buying and owning more than 3 pair of shoes.  (wearing sandals in the winter?  over it.)  

i'm going to meet new people and venture outside my house.  i'm going to grow some plants and i won't kill them.  i'm going to hire someone to clean my house every once in a while.  i'm going to watch less television.  i'm going to stop reading so many blogs and pinning crap, and am going to actually DO things, and not curate things i WANT to do.  

i'm going to figure out a way to either enjoy my job, or get a new one.

more happiness and contentment.  less stress.

i hope you're ready, 2014.  because i'm tired of being tired and i'm totally fucking over it.

rest

after the insanity of the beginning of the year, the slow pace has been rather rejuvenating.  i've been puttering, cleaning, and purging.  still so much to do.  we moved into this house 3 (?) years ago and the bedroom?  still a boring and tedious affront to the eyes and senses.

i am hosting girlfriend sweatshop here in a few months - perhaps i can get together the motivation to put the house in order.  in a cozy fashion.  with paint and artwork and pillows.  and another kitten, natch.  kittens always round out a household.

we had gfss in gainesville this past weekend.  went tubing, sloshed in the mud, avoided drunken rednecks like champs.  also, as always, ate delicious food.  AND had a marathon drunken photo boudoir session that ended at 3 am.  pretty sure this is the only photo i can share.  the black and white effectively hides my bloodshot eyes.

*le sigh*

on monday, we had to let our little yam go. we knew it would be coming, and when she started to go downhill, it was really fast. and even with that knowledge, it was so very hard. 

this morning, we picked up her ashes, strangely, in a bag with tissue paper, almost like a gift.  i didn't realize they would be making a plaster cast of her paw prints.  we were doing really well, and as i was opening it, i thought it was just going to be an empty album.

SO. WRONG.  what a giant sucker punch to the gut and oh man we cried. 

so we treated ourselves to a long brunch.  and a cocktail for me, because i needed it.

these last few months have been filled with insanity.  car troubles, family health issues, death in our extended family, in friend's close families...    *sigh*

so here's to yam.  sweet little kitty with all the missing teeth and the penchant for swiss cheese.  and to a better end of the year.  because it can only go up.

I don't want to go to sleep, because tomorrow is going to suck. 

*big sigh*

?

t

hings i do not understand:  selling cold stone creamery ice cream in order to benefit a diabetes event.

perhaps they should also sell deep fried butter and other assorted deep fried candy bars.

uh oh.

i'm starting to dislike my job again.

my frustration and subsequent ennui seems to coincide exactly with the testing of our updates - a lot of it due to the fact that anytime there's an error, the testing team does no research on their own to fix it, even though they're the testers (who should understand what they're testing) and we're just the IT deployers.  i'm a systems analyst, not a claims pricing specialist, yet i am currently innundated with pricing issues on apr, apg, long term care and esrd claims.  *seppuku*  no  matter that the testing team consists of 5 people who split the different areas and we are 2.

giant ball of blarg.

... i mean, i like getting paid, and i like getting paid my particular salary, but it's probably not good to be so annoyed and mentally struggling for 8 hours a day.

yet again, i long to be an artisan worker in some way.  the problem, of course, is that i feel utterly unqualified in everything, even in my current job.  the feeling like i'm a fraud no matter what.  i have a lot of knowledge in a lot of things, but nothing that feels like deep knowledge of a skill.  a veritable jill of all trades, that's me.

catching up.

today is stressful for some reason. 

pretty sure i need to eat something substantial before i go batshit.

also pretty sure i need another vacation.

things on my mind:

• why did i agree to do this damn tampa zinefest?  FUCK.
• need to catch up on photography and finish
• and then take a hiatus
• yammie sadly has many more tumors growing, and the biggest one ulcerated the other week - basically there's nothing to be done, but take care of her and make sure her quality of life doesn't drop
• ulcerated means she's got this never-heal volcano of a wound on her belly - it's pretty awful
• and it'll eventually happen to her other tumors
• and if i take a vacation, who can we get to feed our two cats, who stupidly need to be fed different kinds of food? *headdesk*
• cannot wait to have a garage sale to get rid of all my crap, so tempted to take it all to the thrift store now
• trying to figure out if it's worth it to redo our kitchen, and if so, how much to do?
• basically - blerg and #firstworldproblems

ok.  do this now:

1) wash your face
2) brush your teeth again
3) make some food
4) get to work
5) make something with gin