holy fucking balls

i started going back through some of my last few posts and fuck if all i do is complain over the last few years.

i'm not actually this morose, as i just tend to need journaling time when i'm feeling an overall 'blah'.

but perhaps i'll hop back on here more often and talk about things that have captured my attention, or that i'm excited about.

getting older cannot only be about growing cynical and having less interest in life.


deep sea diving

i've been feeling deep underwater lately.

i feel like i'm crumpling under the weight of my utterly normal life.

which feels even more pathetic.

so i took a week vacation to sort myself out. a bit of meditation, a bit of yoga, a bit of attempting to create things again (i.e. drawing shitty patterns on expensive paper with archival pens, sorted through my calligraphy nibs, cleaned up my craft room). a bit of day drinking and the eating of chocolate cake. (even though i'm totally putting on weight but right now, mental health is more important than physical health. PLUS - i'm doing yoga. ish.) a total break from facebook and i've shut off most notifications on my phone. today i'm attempting a caramelized pork ramen with curried acorn squash and the house smells heavenly.

can i also say - film is hard.



about to do a reboot of my photography - going back to film and starting to remember what i loved most about taking photos in general.  keeping in the forefront of my mind that i want to play and take photos and not worry as much about what other photographers are doing or what they're shooting or how they're shooting.  i'm kind of excited.
also want to understand light better, and be able to meter manually (though for now, i did buy an external light meter).
let's do this.


i attempted to write a post on a theme, but failed.  a theme on saying 'no', on me learning how to let go of feeling like i'm disappointing someone.

but then it got rambly and i got introspective and now i just want to nap on a cold beach in a quilt.  cold sand.  i want to sink my toes into some cold sand.

2014 started out wonderfully, but then punched me in the gut a few times.  i feel that things are just now finding middle ground, equalizing to room temperature.

all the times i had to disappoint, and say no, has started me (again) on the path to figuring out what's important to me.

life's just always about finding balance, isn't it?

too much beer, not enough water.

work as a means to an end.  

and trying to find room temperature with my photography.  it's awful, but it's definitely becoming more of a 'job'.  i don't think i'm following myself, and i'm starting to feel it.

i'm just not excited by it anymore.  must. recharge. creative. batteries.

oy - i'll end here.  this past weekend wore me out, physically and mentally.  here's to more yoga, clean laundry, staying hydrated, good wine, more juicing, meal planning, and, maybe, knitting a cardigan.



*mario death noise*

contact came out!

here's what i'm left with

blurry double vision
slight eyestrain headaches
typical contact lens pain

apparently, the blurry double vision will clear up in 6 weeks.





lasers have fixed mine eyes.  i could even smell the burning.

it's truly the future.

last saturday i had lasik and PRK done on my eyes, because TWENTY/FIFTEEN VISION!  it is, as they say, 'a whole new world'.

well, technically, i have one more follow up today, wherein i remove the contact lens "bandaid" from my PRK eye.  thank christ, because it's been giving me blurry double vision, not to mention slight eyestrain headaches, and my typical contact lens pain.  i'm anticipating something close to an orgasm once it's out.

funny story: at my day-after follow up, my eyes wouldn't open all the way, my PRK eye was giving me intense pain, and i was tearing up and sniffling something fierce.  while the dr was looking at my eyes, i totally snotted.  i'm 50/50 on whether or not an actual snot bubble formed and popped.  embarrassing!  

my overall verdict on the procedure itself:  after watching the procedure being done on others, it was both as easy and as bad as i thought it would be.  make of that what you will.

when i left the room, i'm pretty sure i looked drunk - due to the release of built-up stress and anxiety leaving my body, not to mention my swollen, wet eyes and tentative, mincing steps.  i tottered outside to wait for ant to pick me up, and promptly sat on the rain-wet concrete bench.  DERP.  

and... it's like getting a new pair of glasses - where things are no longer the proper distances from your body.  and it's basically like switching from glasses to contacts, where things look 10% larger than usual.  or... things are "actual size", i suppose.

IT'S SO WEIRD to be able to see the curtains clearly in a darkened bedroom.  to see things in the shower, or to blow my nose without my lenses fogging up.  i'm so glad to not have nosepad dents giving me agita.  and it's going to be weirder when i can actually see 100%, without this blasted CONTACT LENS FRAKKING BANDAID.


just a few more hours.

also weird - getting used to my actual face.