I don't want to go to sleep, because tomorrow is going to suck. 

*big sigh*

?

t

hings i do not understand:  selling cold stone creamery ice cream in order to benefit a diabetes event.

perhaps they should also sell deep fried butter and other assorted deep fried candy bars.

uh oh.

i'm starting to dislike my job again.

my frustration and subsequent ennui seems to coincide exactly with the testing of our updates - a lot of it due to the fact that anytime there's an error, the testing team does no research on their own to fix it, even though they're the testers (who should understand what they're testing) and we're just the IT deployers.  i'm a systems analyst, not a claims pricing specialist, yet i am currently innundated with pricing issues on apr, apg, long term care and esrd claims.  *seppuku*  no  matter that the testing team consists of 5 people who split the different areas and we are 2.

giant ball of blarg.

... i mean, i like getting paid, and i like getting paid my particular salary, but it's probably not good to be so annoyed and mentally struggling for 8 hours a day.

yet again, i long to be an artisan worker in some way.  the problem, of course, is that i feel utterly unqualified in everything, even in my current job.  the feeling like i'm a fraud no matter what.  i have a lot of knowledge in a lot of things, but nothing that feels like deep knowledge of a skill.  a veritable jill of all trades, that's me.

catching up.

today is stressful for some reason. 

pretty sure i need to eat something substantial before i go batshit.

also pretty sure i need another vacation.

things on my mind:

• why did i agree to do this damn tampa zinefest?  FUCK.
• need to catch up on photography and finish
• and then take a hiatus
• yammie sadly has many more tumors growing, and the biggest one ulcerated the other week - basically there's nothing to be done, but take care of her and make sure her quality of life doesn't drop
• ulcerated means she's got this never-heal volcano of a wound on her belly - it's pretty awful
• and it'll eventually happen to her other tumors
• and if i take a vacation, who can we get to feed our two cats, who stupidly need to be fed different kinds of food? *headdesk*
• cannot wait to have a garage sale to get rid of all my crap, so tempted to take it all to the thrift store now
• trying to figure out if it's worth it to redo our kitchen, and if so, how much to do?
• basically - blerg and #firstworldproblems

ok.  do this now:

1) wash your face
2) brush your teeth again
3) make some food
4) get to work
5) make something with gin

Purging and cleaning.

it's thursday.

 

exhaustion.

 

every night this week, i've gone to bed and proceeded to lie awake until past midnight.

 

WHAT. THE. HAIL.

as they say. 

 

last night, anthony and i were talking about prank jokes and he mentioned the saran-wrap-on-the-toilet prank, asking if i'd ever heard of it.  "if i'd heard of it" - pfft. 

my response, "yea, of course!  in.. college.. we...  time... one-time...  week...  pranks... *meaningless words jumbled together, stroke-like* *cry laughing*"

 

i do poorly when i'm tired.  it's translated into my physical movements this morning as i'm losing control of my fine motor skills.  my fingers fall heavily on the keyboard.  my arms move and fall with the weight of gravity, my hands - stiffly limp, not unlike rigor mortis.

 

and i am grouchy, oh MY, am i grouchy.

 

i'd been avoiding naps, in the hopes that exhaustion would overtake me, but no such luck.  today i will sleep whenever i damn well feel like it.  you hear that, self?  well, wait, not now.  when you get home.  yea.  home.  and stuff.

 

things. are. crazy.

i'm finally done with my last scheduled wedding.  it occurs to me that i cannot (CANNOT) handle 3 weddings in 2 months with a full time job. i'm utterly overwhelmed.  i'm excited that i have no other weddings scheduled, so i can edit photos with wild, wild abandon and when i'm done, i can actually do some things for myself, for once.

i'm amazed with how far i've come with photography; maybe i'll post some before and afters.  i love working with my brother, though i do wish he were a nikon shooter, instead of canon.  i'm always surprised at how fully and completely i'm exhausted the day after a wedding - my entire body is still sore and achey 2 days later.  name a muscle group and i'm sure i'm feeling pain.  even the muscles/tendons in my fingers hurt.  full body massage?  YES, PLS.

tonight: book club.  then i'll be staring at a computer screen for the next month non-stop.  *sigh*