just coffee. black - like my soul.

i've started drinking my coffee black at work - just 2 spoonfuls of sugar.

and my friday payday morning was made even better by a lovely chocolate iced donut from a local shop.

and THEN i got a call from a co-worker, a step above my position, noting that i might want to rethink my status update.

so i made fun of a 'higher-up', what of it? my privacy levels are fairly high and for the most part, co-workers i *really* don't know are put on a limited profile status. argh! it was very frustrating for me, ending with the creation of a new list of "co-workers - iffy". it seems i will need to rework my privacy levels and friend lists to make it easier to post on my iphone (which is one reason why i hadn't done anything about it until now).

i suppose i thought this person didn't care, or wouldn't have cared, and i suppose this was them "looking out for me", but still. argh. i so dislike it when professional life intrudes on "my" life. i was just thinking last night about how much better things were to be young and carefree. not literally better, but perhaps you know what i mean. less stress, less worry. i'll quote murakami, because i can and because i love him:

...
listening to fournier's flowing, dignified cello, hoshino was drawn back to his childhood. he used to go to the river every day to catch fish. nothing to worry about back then, he reminisced. just live each day as it came. as long as i was alive, i was something. that was just how it was. but somewhere along the line it all changed. living turned me into nothing. weird... people are born in order to live, right? but the longer i've lived, the more i've lost what's inside me - and ended up empty. and i bet the longer i live, the emptier, the more worthless, i'll become. something's wrong with this picture. life isn't supposed to turn out like this! isn't it possible to shift direction, to change where i'm headed?...
'kafka on the shore'
haruki murakami

oh! and another from goodreads:

sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. you change direction but the sandstorm chases you. you turn again, but the storm adjusts. over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. why? because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. this storm is you. something inside of you. so all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. there's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. that's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

and you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. no matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. people will bleed there, and you will bleed too. hot, red blood. you'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

and once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. you won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. but one thing is certain. when you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. that's what this storm's all about."
'kafka on the shore'
haruki murakami

ok, i'm starting to go off on a huge tangent and i'm not sure where i'm going with this post.

suffice it to say, i'm liking the black coffee. with the sugar. and i'm shifting directions. after this lunar new year's party, i have a few things i need to accomplish.

1) business taxes
2) finishing up wedding photos for a client
3) buying a new camera
4) finding creative sparks

what am i interested in? i want to give myself time to explore this, because at present, at work and in need of vacation and travel, i am totally hating my job. it's not like it's hard, i'm just... not fulfilled right now. i need better lighting, for one, and maybe some nice plants to keep me excited. i miss not having a park nearby. i miss sitting in the sun.

5) find that coffee shop that's supposedly a block away
6) walk to the 2 garden stores that are nearby

anyways, a friend is starting up an artisans group and she has big big plans. much bigger and better than the plans we had for girlfriend sweatshop, which lacked this kind of focus. plus, she's probably way less socially awkward than we were. we had plans to expand, to meet new people (which we did!), but it all kind of imploded there, at the end.

officially, can i say that i fucking hate people who "don't understand" what happened to their friendships, but it's really because THEY'RE TOO JUVENILE TO CONFRONT IT AND TALK ABOUT IT?

thank you.

*** you're an idiot and i wish you the best. this is me, finally letting go, 3 years later.

that felt good. like a post secret. i let you go, please, now, drift away, shoo shoo.
not *really* like post secret, as there are those readers who know exactly what i'm talking about. just know this is just me, getting it out and it's not like i've been secretly harboring angry thoughts for 3 long years. it's just been niggling and now, it's not.



ummm, also, if anyone has ever tried 'the cartogropher' app, let me know how it is. i need a good app where i can add pins and notes and customize to my heart's content, but i need to be able to access it offline, in case i'm not in free wifi range. you know, in paris. or rome.

'cuz i'm kind of freaking out in a giant way over posts like this and this.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......... duck confit dreams

title quote - city of bones