Currently going through month 2 of a drug treatment that shuts down my ovaries and puts me into a chemically induced pre/menopause state.

I'm... not sure the side effects are worth going through an entire 6 months.

Hot flashes, dull headaches, random cramping and back pain - those aren't too bad. But the mood swings are ridiculous.  Right now, just one swing, straight into slight depression and giving utterly zero fucks. At a café today, one of our dishes was just terrible and I had to fight the urge to push it straight off the table and onto the floor.  Or to not pick up the plate and watch it all fall off into the aisle. 

And of course, with politics and the election and people being utter wankers about the trans bathroom issue and the tragedy in Orlando, and gun control and rape and women's issues, everything on Facebook is making me rage.

I've finally deleted the app off my phone for now, hopefully it sticks this time.  Must break the addiction.  Why can't I somehow give zero fucks about needing to see what's going on? To check up on things that I know will make me angry(er)?  Ugh.

may

i tried to write about the funeral we attended in april, but i just can't. it was gorgeous and lovely and sad and exhausting.

regarding my mini-resolutions, everything was waylaid, of course, but they're still in the back of my mind.

• drink less - check! at least, i don't feel like it's really an issue. i'm not sure why i felt like it was an issue. i think i was just using it as a way to say, "self, lay on the couch and watch television, because you just had a drink and you deserve this."  but now that i'm trying to do things - whatever. i don't drink every night, i don't drink into a stupor, i don't feel any need to hide my drinking. this resolution can suck it.
• get better sleep - check-ish! i've been going to bed earlier, but the drug i'm on that shuts down my ovaries apparently can cause sleep issues. i went to bed at 10 last night and woke up at 5 am. going to try and get into a good schedule, maybe slow it on the coffee. because my left eye that started twitching in vegas? it's still going. by next week, it will have been twitching for a month. 
• read more - whoops! but i did read a few more sandman comics. getting through them, slowly. my goodreads goal is not looking good this year...
• facebook (and tv) less - epic fail. i became a part of this film photography group, and i'm checking FB like 20 bajillion times a day. it's a problem. may need to remove it from my phone again.
• take film photos (at least 1 roll/month) - EPIC WIN. just sent off 5 rolls from april/may. goodbye, money. note to self: consider developing b/w film on your own again.
• eat better food - did good at the beginning of april, then fell off the wagon. readying ourselves for jumping back on. 
• move more - i did yoga last night! 15 mins of a beginner class and it was hard in parts. i feel very pathetic, but it's a practice. i just have to practice at it. going to schedule another class for tonight.

4/2016

man, i'm down to 2 posts a year!

things that have not happened:

• any serious follow up to using film
• journaling

things that have happened:

• i no longer actively hate my job with every fiber of my being
• yoga (i.e. i did yoga twice in 3 days!)
• time continues to rush by far too swiftly

i've also decided (this morning) to stick to a plan.  like resolutions, i guess.

• drink less
• get better sleep
• read more
• facebook (and tv) less
• take film photos (at least 1 roll/month)
• eat better food
• move more

at some point in the last year (years?) i stopped doing yoga.  i felt that perhaps i was pushing my body too hard, and since we were trying to get pregnant, maybe i should let my body relax a bit more.  i mean, i'm moving towards 40, which is so freaking WEIRD, and maybe i wasn't supposed to be working my body quite so hard.

welp, turns out there's a high probability i can't even have kids biologically because of endometriosis and fallopian tubes that resemble rock giants. granted, i did have a laparoscopy which required doing nothing for 2 weeks, so that set me back physically for a while.  and then i was dealing with being bummed about having defective reproductive bits (YOU HAD ONE JOB).  so i'm only now feeling ready to get back on the exercise and moving-like-a-real-human bandwagon.

i'm ready to stop holding down the couch, to actually DO things and to stop feeling as though i'm just waiting to have kids. to travel again now that ant's done with school.  this year, vegas and st louis (so far).  next year, japan, for realz.

holy fucking balls

i started going back through some of my last few posts and fuck if all i do is complain over the last few years.

i'm not actually this morose, as i just tend to need journaling time when i'm feeling an overall 'blah'.

but perhaps i'll hop back on here more often and talk about things that have captured my attention, or that i'm excited about.

getting older cannot only be about growing cynical and having less interest in life.

deep sea diving

i've been feeling deep underwater lately.

i feel like i'm crumpling under the weight of my utterly normal life.

which feels even more pathetic.


so i took a week vacation to sort myself out. a bit of meditation, a bit of yoga, a bit of attempting to create things again (i.e. drawing shitty patterns on expensive paper with archival pens, sorted through my calligraphy nibs, cleaned up my craft room). a bit of day drinking and the eating of chocolate cake. (even though i'm totally putting on weight but right now, mental health is more important than physical health. PLUS - i'm doing yoga. ish.) a total break from facebook and i've shut off most notifications on my phone. today i'm attempting a caramelized pork ramen with curried acorn squash and the house smells heavenly.

can i also say - film is hard.

READY OR NOT

about to do a reboot of my photography - going back to film and starting to remember what i loved most about taking photos in general.  keeping in the forefront of my mind that i want to play and take photos and not worry as much about what other photographers are doing or what they're shooting or how they're shooting.  i'm kind of excited.

 

also want to understand light better, and be able to meter manually (though for now, i did buy an external light meter).

 

let's do this.

i attempted to write a post on a theme, but failed.  a theme on saying 'no', on me learning how to let go of feeling like i'm disappointing someone.

but then it got rambly and i got introspective and now i just want to nap on a cold beach in a quilt.  cold sand.  i want to sink my toes into some cold sand.

2014 started out wonderfully, but then punched me in the gut a few times.  i feel that things are just now finding middle ground, equalizing to room temperature.

all the times i had to disappoint, and say no, has started me (again) on the path to figuring out what's important to me.

life's just always about finding balance, isn't it?

too much beer, not enough water.

work as a means to an end.  

and trying to find room temperature with my photography.  it's awful, but it's definitely becoming more of a 'job'.  i don't think i'm following myself, and i'm starting to feel it.

i'm just not excited by it anymore.  must. recharge. creative. batteries.

oy - i'll end here.  this past weekend wore me out, physically and mentally.  here's to more yoga, clean laundry, staying hydrated, good wine, more juicing, meal planning, and, maybe, knitting a cardigan.

*mario death noise*

contact came out!

here's what i'm left with

blurry double vision

slight eyestrain headaches

typical contact lens pain

apparently, the blurry double vision will clear up in 6 weeks.

SIX. WEEKS.

lasers.

lasers.

lasers have fixed mine eyes.  i could even smell the burning.

it's truly the future.

last saturday i had lasik and PRK done on my eyes, because TWENTY/FIFTEEN VISION!  it is, as they say, 'a whole new world'.

well, technically, i have one more follow up today, wherein i remove the contact lens "bandaid" from my PRK eye.  thank christ, because it's been giving me blurry double vision, not to mention slight eyestrain headaches, and my typical contact lens pain.  i'm anticipating something close to an orgasm once it's out.

funny story: at my day-after follow up, my eyes wouldn't open all the way, my PRK eye was giving me intense pain, and i was tearing up and sniffling something fierce.  while the dr was looking at my eyes, i totally snotted.  i'm 50/50 on whether or not an actual snot bubble formed and popped.  embarrassing!  

my overall verdict on the procedure itself:  after watching the procedure being done on others, it was both as easy and as bad as i thought it would be.  make of that what you will.

when i left the room, i'm pretty sure i looked drunk - due to the release of built-up stress and anxiety leaving my body, not to mention my swollen, wet eyes and tentative, mincing steps.  i tottered outside to wait for ant to pick me up, and promptly sat on the rain-wet concrete bench.  DERP.  

and... it's like getting a new pair of glasses - where things are no longer the proper distances from your body.  and it's basically like switching from glasses to contacts, where things look 10% larger than usual.  or... things are "actual size", i suppose.

IT'S SO WEIRD to be able to see the curtains clearly in a darkened bedroom.  to see things in the shower, or to blow my nose without my lenses fogging up.  i'm so glad to not have nosepad dents giving me agita.  and it's going to be weirder when i can actually see 100%, without this blasted CONTACT LENS FRAKKING BANDAID.

*sigh*

just a few more hours.

also weird - getting used to my actual face.  

2014 is kicking my ass.

in that very good way.

went to dark wave yoga last evening in the tempus gallery's new location in seminole heights.  i was worried i'd be freezing, as it was down in the 30s.  i didn't have to worry.

i got there just in time to sign the waiver and set up my mat (last open spot was right in the middle, of course!).  then lights out and it went dark, with faux flickering candles set up on the floor along the walls.  the space was concrete, white painted brick, with we "yogis and yoginis" (ugh?) facing a glass storefront reflecting the small yellow lights inside.  it was close, three to a row, each person's mat hardly a foot apart. 

i'd taken a "real" yoga class once before - at a friend's birthday party.  it was during the day at a yoga studio, and later we had cake.  i remember it as being enjoyable, and something to pursue at some point in the future.  years later came "work yoga" at the library, where we did modified chair poses, stretching, and standing work.  it was always refreshing to get away from the desk for an hour and just move.

but here was a new beast.  this was real yoga, with no pan flutes, or singing whales.  (twin peaks theme song, what what?)  it was strangely intimate to be so close to others, in the dark, on the floor, contorting one's body into arm and leg shaking positions, remembering to breathe through the exertion, keeping the neck relaxed.  by the 3rd pose, i was already entirely warm, shedding my cotton hoodie.  MAN was i out of shape.  the darkness truly underscored, for me at least, how much of a personal practice yoga can be, even in such a cozy space.  

basically, i'm utterly sold.  i only wish it were more than once a week.  my whole body is stretchy sore today, but my ache-y old crone lower back feels amazing.

yes.

word of the 2013 holiday season: tired

yep.  the word is 'tired'. 

just getting over a cold or bacterial infection of some sort and i'm still feeling utterly exhausted by everything.

also, i'm really insanely grumpy.  just a few days before xmas and i want to just... stab something.  paint the town black.

i'm tired of doing everything, of being in charge and i'm ready for some big changes in 2014.  i'll be 35.  fuck this shit.  

i'm going to get a handle on my health, whether that means joining a gym or doing yoga or pilates.  probably the latter. 

i'm going to spend more on me, like buying and owning more than 3 pair of shoes.  (wearing sandals in the winter?  over it.)  

i'm going to meet new people and venture outside my house.  i'm going to grow some plants and i won't kill them.  i'm going to hire someone to clean my house every once in a while.  i'm going to watch less television.  i'm going to stop reading so many blogs and pinning crap, and am going to actually DO things, and not curate things i WANT to do.  

i'm going to figure out a way to either enjoy my job, or get a new one.

more happiness and contentment.  less stress.

i hope you're ready, 2014.  because i'm tired of being tired and i'm totally fucking over it.

rest

after the insanity of the beginning of the year, the slow pace has been rather rejuvenating.  i've been puttering, cleaning, and purging.  still so much to do.  we moved into this house 3 (?) years ago and the bedroom?  still a boring and tedious affront to the eyes and senses.

i am hosting girlfriend sweatshop here in a few months - perhaps i can get together the motivation to put the house in order.  in a cozy fashion.  with paint and artwork and pillows.  and another kitten, natch.  kittens always round out a household.

we had gfss in gainesville this past weekend.  went tubing, sloshed in the mud, avoided drunken rednecks like champs.  also, as always, ate delicious food.  AND had a marathon drunken photo boudoir session that ended at 3 am.  pretty sure this is the only photo i can share.  the black and white effectively hides my bloodshot eyes.

*le sigh*

on monday, we had to let our little yam go. we knew it would be coming, and when she started to go downhill, it was really fast. and even with that knowledge, it was so very hard. 

this morning, we picked up her ashes, strangely, in a bag with tissue paper, almost like a gift.  i didn't realize they would be making a plaster cast of her paw prints.  we were doing really well, and as i was opening it, i thought it was just going to be an empty album.

SO. WRONG.  what a giant sucker punch to the gut and oh man we cried. 

so we treated ourselves to a long brunch.  and a cocktail for me, because i needed it.

these last few months have been filled with insanity.  car troubles, family health issues, death in our extended family, in friend's close families...    *sigh*

so here's to yam.  sweet little kitty with all the missing teeth and the penchant for swiss cheese.  and to a better end of the year.  because it can only go up.

I don't want to go to sleep, because tomorrow is going to suck. 

*big sigh*

?

t

hings i do not understand:  selling cold stone creamery ice cream in order to benefit a diabetes event.

perhaps they should also sell deep fried butter and other assorted deep fried candy bars.

uh oh.

i'm starting to dislike my job again.

my frustration and subsequent ennui seems to coincide exactly with the testing of our updates - a lot of it due to the fact that anytime there's an error, the testing team does no research on their own to fix it, even though they're the testers (who should understand what they're testing) and we're just the IT deployers.  i'm a systems analyst, not a claims pricing specialist, yet i am currently innundated with pricing issues on apr, apg, long term care and esrd claims.  *seppuku*  no  matter that the testing team consists of 5 people who split the different areas and we are 2.

giant ball of blarg.

... i mean, i like getting paid, and i like getting paid my particular salary, but it's probably not good to be so annoyed and mentally struggling for 8 hours a day.

yet again, i long to be an artisan worker in some way.  the problem, of course, is that i feel utterly unqualified in everything, even in my current job.  the feeling like i'm a fraud no matter what.  i have a lot of knowledge in a lot of things, but nothing that feels like deep knowledge of a skill.  a veritable jill of all trades, that's me.

catching up.

today is stressful for some reason. 

pretty sure i need to eat something substantial before i go batshit.

also pretty sure i need another vacation.

things on my mind:

• why did i agree to do this damn tampa zinefest?  FUCK.
• need to catch up on photography and finish
• and then take a hiatus
• yammie sadly has many more tumors growing, and the biggest one ulcerated the other week - basically there's nothing to be done, but take care of her and make sure her quality of life doesn't drop
• ulcerated means she's got this never-heal volcano of a wound on her belly - it's pretty awful
• and it'll eventually happen to her other tumors
• and if i take a vacation, who can we get to feed our two cats, who stupidly need to be fed different kinds of food? *headdesk*
• cannot wait to have a garage sale to get rid of all my crap, so tempted to take it all to the thrift store now
• trying to figure out if it's worth it to redo our kitchen, and if so, how much to do?
• basically - blerg and #firstworldproblems

ok.  do this now:

1) wash your face
2) brush your teeth again
3) make some food
4) get to work
5) make something with gin

Purging and cleaning.

it's thursday.

 

exhaustion.

 

every night this week, i've gone to bed and proceeded to lie awake until past midnight.

 

WHAT. THE. HAIL.

as they say. 

 

last night, anthony and i were talking about prank jokes and he mentioned the saran-wrap-on-the-toilet prank, asking if i'd ever heard of it.  "if i'd heard of it" - pfft. 

my response, "yea, of course!  in.. college.. we...  time... one-time...  week...  pranks... *meaningless words jumbled together, stroke-like* *cry laughing*"

 

i do poorly when i'm tired.  it's translated into my physical movements this morning as i'm losing control of my fine motor skills.  my fingers fall heavily on the keyboard.  my arms move and fall with the weight of gravity, my hands - stiffly limp, not unlike rigor mortis.

 

and i am grouchy, oh MY, am i grouchy.

 

i'd been avoiding naps, in the hopes that exhaustion would overtake me, but no such luck.  today i will sleep whenever i damn well feel like it.  you hear that, self?  well, wait, not now.  when you get home.  yea.  home.  and stuff.